The Problem with Making Idle Threats to Your Kids

Children don't just learn things through osmosis....they must be taught, and the best way for parents to teach values to their children is through leading by example. Say what you mean and mean what you say or the kids will see right through your idle threats.
I’m not saying that’s easy. Parents today are overworked and stressed out. The last thing we want to do is fight with our children. There are times when it's easier to give in than have yet another battle. However, your most important job is being a parent.

Kids are incredibly smart and they recognize how to get what they want. It is the parents' job to set the rules and carry them out and that is best done by leading by example so the kids understand what the expectations are. When parents tell their kids something, but don't follow through, they are being ineffective. Consider the story of Trevor.

Trevor was a three year old boy in our class who figured out very quickly that his father’s threats were usually idle. On a grocery store field trip. The kids, including Trevor, were very excited. Trevor wanted to touch everything he saw. First, he grabbed an apple from the shelf, which caused several more apples to roll to the ground. At that point, his father reminded him that Trevor wasn’t allowed to touch anything. A moment later, Trevor took a cucumber and started laying with it. At this, Trevor’s father raised his voice and told his son that if he touched one more thing they were going home. In a few short minutes, Trevor nabbed a candy bar off another shelf. Again, his father told him to stop touching things with the threat that they would go home.

And yet again, Trevor took another item from the shelf. His father got angrier, repeatedly threatening to leave the store, without having any intention of doing so. There was no reason for Trevor to stop touching things because he knew there would be no consequence. His father’s threats were idle.

Trevor’s dad had choices which would have stopped his son’s behavior and taught a valuable lesson. He could have threatened to leave and then actually left. Or, he might have chosen another punishment that he could follow through on. For example, he might have told Trevor that if he kept touching things, they’d have to sit for five minutes and miss out on the class visiting the lobster tank in the seafood department. By following through on that threat, Trevor would be disappointed to miss seeing the lobsters, but he would know that his father meant what he said.

Parents need to think about what they are saying, and be ready to follow through. Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. If you follow through the first time, the kids will be less apt to challenge you the next time.

Should You Hold Your Child Back in Preschool?

Liam is a three year old who is extremely bright, loves to laugh, and has strong fine motor skills. He also cries every time he loses at Memory, is sleepy by mid-afternoon, and his feelings get hurt very easily. Liam’s birthday is in August, which makes him one of the youngest kids in the class. So, when it came time to decide where he should best be placed next year, his parents and teachers had a difficult decision to make.

Today, more and more parents choose to hold their toddlers back a year in school for reasons that are not solely academic. Boys, especially, who tend to be less mature than girls, often benefit from an extra year of development. By repeating the grade level, they have the opportunity to revisit the experience as one of the older children in the class. They will feel more confident, self-assured, and oftentimes will take on a leadership role.

Liam’s parents decided to hold him back and have him repeat the three-four year old program. That extra year is truly a gift, and will allow him to use his skills more confidently. By making the decision now, he can make new friends who he will be in class with until he gets into elementary school. At that point, he will be right on target academically, socially, and emotionally.

This decision could have waited if his parents weren’t sure. For some children, it isn’t obvious that they need an extra year until they are in the four-five year old class, or even kindergarten. By that time, more academic skills have been taught, and it will be more obvious that the child is lagging behind. The same goes for social and emotional growth.
If you have a child about to enter kindergarten and you just aren’t sure whether he’s ready or not, consider this option - if you can afford it, send him to a private kindergarten where he will often get more individual attention due to smaller class sizes. If he still seems like he would benefit from an extra year, he can enter kindergarten again in the public school, and not feel that he has been held back.

Some parents feel that they or their child has failed if he is held back, but I couldn’t disagree more. Being on the older end, as opposed to the younger, has many advantages. He will be physically bigger and stronger; have a chance to further develop fine and gross motor skills; and have the advantage of learning information that is already familiar, which will make him more confident. If you are in doubt about your child, remember that you are giving him a gift when you give him that extra year.

Do You Really Want a Family Bed?

Sometimes, having your children cuddling with you in bed is special. When there’s a loud storm, your toddler had a scary dream, or it’s a special occasion, it can be lovely to have everyone together in bed. Yet, making the decision to let the kids in bed should be a choice that you make. For that to happen, they need to be comfortable in their own beds, and expect that this is where they typically sleep.

From the first night that your little one moves from his crib to his bed, you must lay down the rules. Remind your son that he has this awesome new bed because he's a big boy now. Along with that comes responsibility and a few rules. The first rule is that he must call for you if he wants to get out of bed. Initially, he will likely call for you a lot, but the first step is that he's not allowed to get out of bed without your approval.

If you find that he starts calling for you too much, explain that the next rule is that there are only certain times when he can ask for you. If he's having a bad dream or feels afraid he can certainly call for you. Or, if he has to go to the bathroom, although be sure he uses the bathroom before bed to help avoid that problem. Give him a small drink before bed so he doesn't wake up thirsty.

No doubt, he will cry for you in the middle of the night and tell you he's scared, because he wants to come into your bed. At all costs, try to avoid that. It's easier at times to let him, but once he enjoys the comfort of snuggling with Mommy and Daddy in bed, it will be very hard to wean him of the privilege. Of course, there are special circumstances, such as a loud, scary storm, where you welcome a family bed, but you have to put your foot down on most other occasions.

When he does call you, it’s important for you to go into his room to ask him what's wrong, instead of letting him come into your room. If he says he had a scary dream, let him tell you about it. Reassure him that it was just a dream and he's very safe. You can even look under his bed and in his closet to prove it.

Be sure to place a nightlight by his bed so he can see his surroundings. Tell your little guy that you'll stay with him for five minutes until he falls back asleep, but you are very tired and you need to go back to sleep too. If he doesn't fall asleep in five minutes and starts to cry when you try to leave, tell him that you will wait out in the hall for five more minutes, but then you are going to your own bed by yourself. Try placing a clock by his bed so you can show him exactly what five minutes means.

Most importantly, you have to follow through on what you say. If he still calls for you, tell him that you are going to bed, he is safe and you both need your sleep. Then comes the hard part - you have to let him cry.

I know that it is so much easier to give in, but if you set the ground rules right away, he will understand that he has no choice. Then, on the special occasions when you allow him in your bed, he will know that it is truly special.

I have also had parents tell me that they allowed their child in their room, but the child had to lay on a blanket on the floor. This worked for them, although I don't really see the distinction between the floor and the bed. I believe it’s more important to set the boundary that his room is where he sleeps and your room is where you sleep.

Helping Your Child Deal with Anger

You’re at the food store and your child is shaking in the cart and screaming at the top of her lungs. She is too far gone for you to do anything to calm her down enough to finish your grocery shopping. Everyone is staring, you are hot and sweaty, and you just want to disappear. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. While all kids gets angry at times, some children seem to take their frustration to the outer limits.

“Some kids are temperamentally difficult and don’t cope that well,” says Richard Selznick, PhD, Director of the Cooper Learning Center and author of The Shut-Down Learner. “They tend to be more on the rigid side and are pretty inflexible. These kids don’t handle curve balls really well, so if you throw something at them that you haven’t given them reasonable time to sort out, you can expect them to react in a tantrum and have anger issues.”

How parents should deal with their child depends a great deal on the age and stage of the child. It is very difficult to reason with a three year old because she simply doesn’t understand. In that case, you need to be really attentive to her cues. “You have to be much more mindful of her tendencies,” Dr. Selznick explains. “Toddlers can be almost primitive in their reactions.”

With an eight year old, however, parents can talk sensibly to the child. The trick is finding the right time to have that conversation. In the middle of the meltdown, or even shortly after, the child will still be too upset to have a reasonable conversation. Instead, wait until bedtime when you are both calm and you are tucking her in. Talk about why she was so angry.

“At that point the window is open more than any other time,” Dr. Selznick points out. “Find out from your child what she was upset about and offer your perspective. The possibility of learning can take place in that situation.”

Of course, it’s better if you can prevent the tantrum in the first place. Dr. Selznick encourages parents to continually monitor their child. As soon as she shows signs of getting frustrated, try to redirect her. That might mean having a conversation about what is upsetting her or taking a quick walk to calm her down. He does not believe in indulging the child by giving her candy or buying her something, as that simply reinforces the bad behavior. In the worst case, the child will have her tantrum, and eventually it will be over.

Most importantly, do not yell at your child. When you do, she’s screaming, you’re screaming, and the situation becomes out of control. “Parents utilize yelling as their number one tool,” explains Dr. Selznick. “I know it’s very hard, but I try to get parents to see it as bad weather. You might not like it, but it will pass. Yelling at it is only going to add fuel to the fire.”

Dr. Selznick reminds parents that you are not alone. In his experience it’s the rare family who doesn’t have at least one inflexible child.
For a special place to let your daughter calm down, check out Dora the Explorer Lounge Mat

Tips to Help Your Children Through Divorce

When a couple with young kids divorces, it is usually devastating for everyone. The kids don’t understand why Mommy and Daddy no longer live together, and despite your best intentions, they can sense tension between you. It is your job as parents to do your very best to keep your children’s lives as normal as possible, knowing that is a very difficult thing to do.

Many times financial needs mean that the children must leave the house they are used to. With shared custody, the kids might be shuffled between two homes, which disrupts their routine. (Check out Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two

I asked William J. Thompson, Chair, Matrimonial Department at Archer and Greiner, P.C. for some recommendations that divorcing parents should consider at the start of the process:

1. Consider mediation. In many cases it can be quicker, less costly and far less adversarial.
2. Be financially aware. You will need to know what assets exist, how much they are worth and how much you owe.
3. Know where your money goes. Checking account and credit card statements can help you pull together an accurate and realistic budget of what your family spends and what you will be able to afford in the future.
4. Be realistic. It is unlikely that you will receive all the assets or all of your spouse's income. The process is intended to be fair to both sides.
5. Keep the children out of the middle. No matter what your spouse's faults, the children deserve a relationship with both parent, and it is not their responsibility to negotiate the divorce.
6. Select professionals to assist whom you understand and trust. Ask questions and listen to their advice. A good lawyer will outline the pros and cons of a decision and give reasoned advice.

Adds Allison Granite, MSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker who works in Voorhees, “The most important thing parents can do to help ease kids through the divorce process is to constantly reassure them that their relationship with both parents is permanent and continuing. Parents must try to put aside their own personal crisis, which is easier said than done. Tell kids what to expect and give them enough time to process and talk about any major changes, such as a parent moving out of the marital home, before those changes happen. Parents need to be honest, but give age-appropriate answers when their children have questions about the divorce. Remember that although the marital relationship might end, responsible parenting must continue.”

As difficult as it will be, you may need to do some pretending when your kids are present, if you really can’t stand to interact with your spouse. That person is still your children’s parent despite your feelings.
So, the next time you want to freak out because your child has colored on your wall, or flushed a diaper down the toilet, keep your perspective, and your sense of humor. These are little problems. With luck, you won’t have to face too many big ones as the kids get older.

Loving Children Everywhere: Lessons from Haiti

“A young boy, twisting and turning, crying in his sleep as his father frantically tries to awaken him; a girl screaming in pain as her leg wound from an amputation is being changed and redressed; another boy’s eyes filling with tears as he gazes for the first time upon his right hand, realizing two of his fingers are no longer there;” are just a few of Nicholas Erbrich’s lasting memories.

Dr. Erbrich was one of twelve members of a team from Cooper University Hospital in Camden, New Jersey who recently returned from Haiti. His mission had a profound impact on him personally and professionally, reminding him why he chose to be a doctor in the first place. As a pediatrician, Dr. Erbrich was able to provide to care to many children badly in need. Here are some of the reflections he shared about his experience.

“When we arrived, an opportunity essentially found us,” he recalls. “We found a church that had taken in a lot of Haitian refugees who were essentially post-operative patients. The only doctors who were there to care for the children were one internist and one family practitioner who was leaving the next day. It was fortunate that when we arrived there was an immediate need for my services.”

Dr. Erbrich took care of kids with broken bones, post-operative wounds, and crushing injuries. Amid all the tragedy, he is able to reflect on many good outcomes. He treated a 13 year old boy who had an injury to his leg which had been casted before the Cooper team arrived. Since no x-rays had been taken, they didn’t know the extent of his injury.

“We fought very hard at the local hospital to get him the x-ray,” recalls Dr. Erbrich. “You can imagine, with only one x-ray machine it was quite difficult to get it, but we were persistent. I was able to show that x-ray to a pediatric orthopedic surgeon who was also volunteering his services, and we determined that it was in the best interest of this young boy to have surgery. He still had a few years left to grow, and had we not fixed this surgically, it might have resulted in him having a leg length discrepancy which would have made it difficult for him to walk later.”

There was also a ray of hope in the cries of a newborn baby. “This baby had literally been born three days after the earthquake and by the time I arrived, the baby was four days old,” says Dr. Erbrich. “Just being able to provide some reassurance and routine care to this first-time mother, who essentially didn’t know anything about childcare, was a very gratifying experience. The mother then came up to me and said she wanted me to bless the child.”

Dr. Erbrich admits that his experience was profoundly life-changing. “I realize that we get so caught up in our petty lives here in the states,” he explains. “Going over there and utilizing my clinical skills and what I had at my disposal made me realize why I went into medicine in the first place.”

Helping our Toddlers Avoid Obesity

With Michelle Obama leading the charge to end childhood obesity, this serious topic is getting more attention. A new study on the subject revealed what most parents already know – there are three easy steps to keeping our kids healthy and avoiding obesity. According to the US Preventative Service Task Force, eating together as a family more than five nights per week, sleeping at least 10 ½ hours on weeknights, and limiting television and video watching to no more than two hours on weekdays, will give your child a 40 percent lower prevalence of obesity.

While these recommendations are fairly obvious, finding the time in our busy, hectic schedules to actually make these things happen isn’t easy. But, it’s necessary. The study points out that since the 1970s, childhood and adolescent obesity has increased three to sixfold. Approximately 12% to 18% of 2- to 19-year-old children and adolescents are obese (defined as having an age- and gender-specific BMI at 95th percentile).

Obesity can lead to other health problems for your kids, including diabetes and heart disease. Getting them on track now with a healthy lifestyle will set them on a positive path for their entire lives. In addition, all three routines also provide other benefits. According to the Department of Health and Human Services, by eating with your children, it is more likely that meals will be healthier and more balanced.

They also point out that teens who rarely have family dinners are three-and-a-half times more likely to have abused prescription drugs or an illegal drug other than marijuana. Girls who have five or more meals a week with their families are one-third less likely to develop unhealthy eating habits, which can range from skipping meals to full-fledged anorexia or abusing diet pills. Regularly sitting down for a meal with your children is one way to connect with them and be involved with what is happening in their lives. They are more apt to tell you when they face difficult challenges or temptations.

The second recommendation, getting enough sleep, can also be easier said than done. By the time everyone gets home from work and after-school activities, has finished the family dinner and homework, getting 10 1/2 hours of sleep can be tricky. Yet, kids who get a full night’s sleep are sharper during the day, have more energy to enjoy physical activities, and stay healthier overall.

The final recommendation, limiting television and video watching, will allow your kids to spend time doing other, more productive activities. Playing a family game, exercising, (check out the Hop 66 Ball) and reading, will all promote a healthy lifestyle.