A Dad’s Efforts to Promote Self-Esteem in His Children

Yesterday I gave the expert’s view of how parents can help promote self-esteem in their children. Today I’d like to share the comments from a dad of two boys, ages 4 & 2.He views helping his children develop a strong sense of self-esteem as one of the most important things he can do as a father. He admits he’s learning as he goes, but he may be on to something.

According to well-known family therapist Daniel Gottlieb, best known for his award-winning radio talk show Voices in the Family on WHYY, and his most recent book, Learning from the Heart, “Research shows that kids coming out of college are self-absorbed, less resilient, more narcissistic, and the depression rate is going up. Kids should grow up thinking they are human, they are loved, they are similar to everybody else, they have the ability to make a contribution to the world, to help other people. That’s where the gifts are.”

This dad agrees. “I've heard it said that praising children repeatedly helps kids feel good about themselves but this has always felt hollow to me,” Dad points out. “I just don't see how I can create self-esteem through praise alone. I really think for the most part, a child has to have self-esteem grow from within. My job is to help it grow and I guess I try to do this in many ways.

“Most importantly, I want my kids to know that I love them unconditionally just because of the people they are. I want them to have the security in life that no matter what, Dad loves them for who they are. I also don't want my kids to ever feel that I have too high expectations of the. Sure, I have certain fundamental expectations, but I want my kids to be who they are, not who they think I want them to be.”

This father is hoping that as his kids feel confident to try more and more things in life, there will be a natural cycle that develops. As they learn new skills and master new activities, from riding a bike to learning to swim, he hopes they'll naturally begin to feel good about themselves and their abilities, and in turn they'll gain more and more confidence. That will allow them to try to master more and more.

“My job in their journeys is to make sure that the inevitable failures along the way come with lessons: be optimistic, seek help and be resilient,” he suggests. I want them to know that any problem can be solved and that they are never alone. If they have these qualities, then the failures along the way are merely stepping stones to developing new skills and increasing self confidence.

“Finally, I also want to teach my kids that they are an integral part of something larger than themselves - their family, their teams, their school, their society. I'm hoping that if they feel connected, they'll naturally want to do right by these groups. At the end of the day, if my kids can look in the mirror and know they are moral individuals, I think this will also help them feel good about themselves.”

Promoting Self-Esteem in Children: Why Parents are Getting it Wrong

When talking about promoting self-esteem in your children, there are different schools of thought. The pendulum swings back and forth from one generation to the next in the belief that you must constantly build up your kids to make them feel special and important. The opposing view suggests that kids must fit into society, and if you make them believe they’re too special, they will become narcissistic and have trouble surviving in the real world.

I sat down with Dan Gottlieb, well-known family therapist best known for his award-winning radio talk show Voices in the Family on WHYY, and his most recent book, Learning from the Heart. What he said surprised me. He believes that parents shouldn’t pursue self-esteem for their children - that should be a byproduct of the love and support you give them.

“Kids don’t have to know that they’re great and wonderful, they have to know that they’re loved,” he points out. “Research shows that kids coming out of college are self-absorbed, less resilient, more narcissistic, and the depression rate is going up. Kids should grow up thinking they are human, they are loved, they are similar to everybody else, and they have the ability to make a contribution to the world, to help other people. That’s where the gifts are.”

Dr. Gottlieb urges parents to find what their kids do well, and have them do it over and over again. He related a story of a parent who talked about his seven year old daughter who loved dance and gymnastics. He told her it was time to choose one of the two, in order to take it to the next level. Dr. Gottlieb responded, “She’s a seven year old girl. Why does she have to take it up to the next level?”

“Parents need to role model for their children not self-esteem, but well-being, joy, equanimity, and balance. They already role model achievement, self-sacrifice, and accomplishments. The main mistake parents make is unexamined anxiety. When that father said that to me about his daughter, it was about his anxiety, it didn’t have that much to do with her.”

It’s important to tell your children that they did a great job with something, but not that they are the greatest in the world. They shouldn’t feel superior to other people, but should be productive, caring members of society who appreciate their peers. Praise is great, but don’t overdo it. Be realistic and point out failures along with successes.

“Over time, they’ll come to know that there’s something precious inside, and they’ll learn that by knowing that they’re loved and secure and they have successes and failures,” he says.