Family Vacations are Not Just About the Kids

Family vacations are a great way to spend quality time with the whole family. It’s certainly nice to have the kids all to yourself without the distractions of friends, homework, and activities. You can have the time to find out what they are thinking and to forge a stronger bond. Yet, don’t forget about your spouse.

Vacations offer a chance to rekindle your marriage, and remember why you fell in love in the first place. During a time without the pressures of work and carpooling, you can enjoy each other fully. A romantic dinner, walk on the beach, or any activity that the two of you can enjoy together and alone, will do wonders for your relationship.

After 30 years of marriage, I have the hindsight to think about the things that have made our relationship work. For one, time spent just with each other was always a priority. We enjoyed regular weekly “date nights” and always one night alone on the family vacation. Those times gave us a chance to connect and appreciate each other without distractions.

It has also provided a great example for our children, who have learned the value we’ve placed on maintaining a strong relationship. Another bonus has been the bond the kids created on their own when we weren’t around. When they were little and had babysitters, they did things with the sitter that were fun and different. They learned how to go to sleep without their parents around and discovered that their siblings were pretty fun to hang out with.

My husband and I share many interests and can look back on special moments that didn’t only revolve around our children. So many of our friends are now divorced, and I feel especially lucky to have nurtured our relationship as our children grew. Now that our youngest child prepares to go off to college, I am fortunate to have a strong relationship with my husband.

Back to School Shopping: The Preschooler’s Backpack

As stores bombard you and your toddler with many choices for backpacks, choose wisely. This investment should be able to last the full year, not cost too much, and make your child proud and excited with her choice. Believe it or not, something as seemingly insignificant as a backpack can actually help your child’s transition into preschool.

Though remembering a backpack may seem like one extra thing you don’t want to have to deal with each morning, it is the most effective way for the teachers and parents to communicate with one another.

Please allow your child to help choose her backpack. If she loves Cars or Dora, she will be excited to bring it to school and show it off to her friends. It is also a great way to allow your child to make a decision about something that is important in her life. It is fine for you to limit her selections to just a few to choose from that you feel are appropriate for her but it is important to allow her some independence with this decision.

Today, many backpacks are available with wheels on the bottom. For a middle or high school student who is lugging 25 pounds or more of books, that’s a great idea. But for toddlers, wheeled packs often become troublesome. Sometimes, the backpacks are as big as the child, and it isn’t easy for a toddler to navigate them through narrow doorways and around chairs and toys in the classroom. There is very little weight among the notes and art projects that the backpack must hold, so wheels are just not necessary for a preschooler.

Try to choose one that will easily hold an 8 1/2” by 11” piece of paper. Sometimes, we use larger paper for projects, but we can easily fold those to fit. The backpack must also be able to hold whatever the child chooses to bring in for show and tell. I’ve taught students who came with adorable tiny backpacks, which were easy to carry, but pretty much useless for their intended purpose.

And I urge all parents and teachers to check the child’s backpack every day. Sometimes there are important notes that should be reviewed right away. If your child had a rough night for some reason, it makes sense to give her teacher a heads-up, and the backpack is a great place for such a note. From the teacher’s perspective, there are times we want to inform you of something that occurred in the classroom, and it may be important that you know something that same day. It is a shame when a child doesn’t bring in a show and tell item because her parent never read the note in her backpack.

This is the time of year when you are building up preschool and preparing for a smooth transition. Allow back-to-school shopping to help in that preparation.

Choosing How Much Time to Send a Child to Preschool

Back in August, I wrote about a dad who was struggling with the amount of time he would send his toddler to preschool. He was choosing between sending his three and a half year old daughter to school three days or five. With a six year old going to the same school his daughter would attend, it would be convenient to take both kids every weekday. Having a two year old at home also meant that it would be easier to have the two older siblings out of the house each day.
Yet, five days just felt like too much school to this dad, and he wondered if three would be better.

I suggested that whatever decision he made, it would likely be right - and the best part is that his decision wouldn’t be irrevocable in the chance it didn’t work out. I would equally weigh two factors. First, his daughter’s temperament. If she’s a go-with-the-flow kind of kid, she will likely thrive whether she goes 3 days or 5 days. The second factor is his wife’s well-being. If she is not ready to give up her time with their daughter and she would love to spend those two days with her, that is really important.

On the other hand, if the baby is keeping his wife busy and it will be difficult for her to keep both girls occupied in a really positive way, five days might be a better choice for the family. The fact that his son will be in the same school will make the transition even easier for his sister, knowing that her big brother is in the building if she needs some reassurance.

Whatever decision he made, I urged him to give it a few weeks before pulling the plug. If after three weeks she seems irritable or overwhelmed, back her down to 3 days. In my opinion the decision is less about age than the child’s temperament and the family’s needs.

They decided to send her for the full day, 5 days per week. Though it seemed like a lot of schooling for a three and a half year old, in the first month of school, she thrived. She really enjoys the school and looks forward to going every day. In the end, this decision worked out well for the entire family.

Be a Parent First, Friend Second

Summer is a wonderful time to spend fun, quality time with your kids. You aren’t rushing to get to school, or trying to fit a million activities into each day. Take advantage of this time to really get to know your children. Take the time to discover what they love, what they really don’t like, and what makes them tick. The more you and your children talk now, even about mundane topics, the more they will feel comfortable talking to you when the topics get stickier.

Yet, never forget that you are the parent, not a friend, and your children must understand that line of distinction.

This brings to mind a lunch I enjoyed with my 21 year old son. We sat at a table next to two acquaintances, a 13 year old girl and her mother. My son and I were having a great time, sharing stories, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. While her mom and I were getting drinks, the young girl said to my son, “I know that’s your mom, but you act like friends.”
He told her that I am his mom but I’m his friend too. She was fascinated by that concept. She said, “I’m not friends with my mom. She doesn’t even know anything about me. She brought me water with lemon and I don’t even like lemon.”

Still fascinated by the concept, she asked him when he and his mother became friends. He told her that it was probably when he got older. She told him that her sister is 21 and her sister and her mother are definitely not friends.

As I thought about that conversation, I realized that is possible to be friends with your kids, as long as you parent first. My husband and I were fairly strict parents, and our kids knew the ground rules. As long as they stayed within the boundaries, we appreciated them for the people they became. There were certainly punishments along the way when our kids definitely didn’t consider us friends. But, there were never surprises. They knew the rules and they were aware of the consequences for breaking those rules.

Now, I am proud to consider my children friends. At 21 years old, my disciplining of my son is pretty much over. I can still provide advice and guide him through new experiences, but I adore the adult he’s become.

Mean Girls and Rude Boys

I don’t know what happens between ages 3 and 6, but something within some children’s personalities goes horribly wrong. I have taught 3 and 4 year olds who were the sweetest, kindest, most generous souls. I could only imagine glowing futures for these angels who I was proud to teach, observe, and nurture for a short time in their lives.

Flash forward to kindergarten and some of my little angels have drastically changed. The girls are mean, spiteful, and fresh. The boys are just plain rude. They are not nice to each other, and disrespectful to their teachers and parents.

Recently, I witnessed one of my three year old darlings stand up from her seat when another little girl sat next to her. She made a face of disgust and moved to sit with another child instead. I was heartbroken. I flashed forward two short years to when she’s in kindergarten and becomes a mean girl.

I would like to offer words of wisdom of how we can ensure that this doesn’t happen, but I don’t have a proven recipe. In this case, I spoke with the child about what I had witnessed and how she hurt her classmate’s feelings. I explained that she doesn’t have to be friends with everyone, but she has to be kind and respectful to everyone. How would she feel if someone treated her that way?
I urge parents to continue to demonstrate appropriate behaviors that their children can learn from. When your child hears you or a sibling making fun of someone else, she learns how to be mean. When a parent is rude to her spouse or a friend, she is teaching her child how to be rude.

It takes hard work to demonstrate kindness, patience, and understanding of others. You are your child’s primary teacher and you are the on the first line of defense in keeping your little angels sweet throughout their lives. Let’s at least work harder to get past kindergarten.

How to Get your Kids to Taste Healthy Foods

I'm big on walking the walk...not just talking the talk. Parents must lead by example and it's really hard to know just how to do that. Today, I'll talk about how you can get your kids to try new foods and make healthy choices.

Too often, a child says she doesn’t like something without ever trying it. I feel that parents do a great disservice to their children by not encouraging them to taste an array of foods. Some parents cook one meal for themselves and something else for the children because the kids will only eat chicken fingers, pizza or macaroni and cheese. Once the children get into the habit of demanding such a limited menu, it will be more difficult for them to want to try new things as they get older.

Also, those old standbys are not nearly as healthy as other foods, including fish, poultry that isn’t fried, and fresh fruit and vegetables. If you give your child the same meal that everyone else in the family is enjoying, and you refuse to make a separate dish for just that child, she will realize that she has to try it. Sometimes adding ketchup or another sauce that can change the food’s flavor will make it more appetizing. But, if you tell her she has to eat what everyone else is eating, and then if she refuses, you make her macaroni and cheese anyway, she will learn that she doesn’t have to try new foods.

Every Wednesday in our classroom we have healthy snack day, and one parent brings in a healthy treat for the class. We’ve enjoyed everything from fresh fruit salad to cream cheese on celery, to frozen yogurt. We try very hard to encourage every child to taste whatever the snack is. If they try it and don’t like it, we’ll give them pretzels, which is our old standby that everyone seems to like. But if we offer them two types of snacks and they refuse to taste either, they have made the choice to skip snack that day.

Here’s a story that happened in school. One day we made ‘Stone Soup’ in class after reading the story by the same name. Of course, we skipped the stone, but we put in carrots, onions, potatoes, tomatoes, alphabet noodles and seasoning. Every child tasted the soup, and most of them enjoyed it. When Becky’s mother picked her up that day, she was certain that her daughter had refused to taste the soup. To her surprise, we told her that Becky had eaten every drop. Her mother insisted that Becky would never touch a vegetable at home, and wondered what we did to get her to eat vegetable soup.

Part of the appeal was the fact that Becky helped make the soup. We gave each child a plastic knife and we softened the carrots and potatoes enough that the children were able to cut through them. Every child also had a turn to stir the soup. But Becky also knew that we expected her to at least taste the soup. As the other children around her were enjoying it, she realized that it was okay to like it.

If you offer your child the foods that the rest of your family is eating, she has two choices – she can taste them, or she can be hungry. At some point, her hunger will force her to find something on the table that she’s willing to eat. But, if you give in and make mac and cheese and chicken nuggets for every meal, your child will never learn to eat new and healthy foods.

Teaching Your Children How to do Basic Chores at Home

I’ve been asked a lot about how to teach kids to do jobs at home, so I’m rerunning this post.
I had no idea how many parents don't teach their children the most basic household chores. I'm at my son's soccer tournament, a place where there is so much downtime that his teammates' parents become best temporary friends rather quickly. These are all terrific people....well educated, hard working, loving parents. Yet, when we got into the discussion of our kids doing their own laundry, most admitted that their 15 and 16 year olds were clueless in this area.

That was surprising to me. Kids can and should learn how to do basic chores, including the laundry, making their beds, setting the table, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and even cooking an occassional meal. Eventually they will go off to college and get their own homes, and this stuff won't just come through osmosis.

How hard is doing laundry? You only need to show them how to separate out clothes the way you like to, find the appropriate settings, turn on the water and pour in the soap. There are many advantages to having your children helping out with the laundry....not only will it be an important lifelong skill, but when they become teenagers who insist that their "perfect" jeans or special new t-shirt mustn't shrink, they can take responsibility for hanging it up instead of throwing it in the dryer.

Parents need to teach their children how to survive on their own. There's enough stress for a kid when he goes away to school for the first time, learning how to care for himself shouldn't be a new experience.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom

I have two students who spent their week off due to snow potty training. Congratulations to them!!! What a great idea to spend time stuck inside in such a useful way. In honor of this achievement, I want to tell my favorite potty story.

At five years old, Tristen was able to go down the hall by himself when he needed the bathroom. One day, he came back dripping wet. His hair was especially soaked.
“Tristen, what happened to you?” his teacher asked.
“Nothing,” he insisted, eyes looking down at his feet.
“Tristen, your hair is all wet. It’s okay, just please tell me what happened,” she asked encouragingly.
“I just wanted to see how high my pee could go!” he stammered.

Please share your funny potty stories!

The Problem with Making Idle Threats to Your Kids

Children don't just learn things through osmosis....they must be taught, and the best way for parents to teach values to their children is through leading by example. Say what you mean and mean what you say or the kids will see right through your idle threats.
I’m not saying that’s easy. Parents today are overworked and stressed out. The last thing we want to do is fight with our children. There are times when it's easier to give in than have yet another battle. However, your most important job is being a parent.

Kids are incredibly smart and they recognize how to get what they want. It is the parents' job to set the rules and carry them out and that is best done by leading by example so the kids understand what the expectations are. When parents tell their kids something, but don't follow through, they are being ineffective. Consider the story of Trevor.

Trevor was a three year old boy in our class who figured out very quickly that his father’s threats were usually idle. On a grocery store field trip. The kids, including Trevor, were very excited. Trevor wanted to touch everything he saw. First, he grabbed an apple from the shelf, which caused several more apples to roll to the ground. At that point, his father reminded him that Trevor wasn’t allowed to touch anything. A moment later, Trevor took a cucumber and started laying with it. At this, Trevor’s father raised his voice and told his son that if he touched one more thing they were going home. In a few short minutes, Trevor nabbed a candy bar off another shelf. Again, his father told him to stop touching things with the threat that they would go home.

And yet again, Trevor took another item from the shelf. His father got angrier, repeatedly threatening to leave the store, without having any intention of doing so. There was no reason for Trevor to stop touching things because he knew there would be no consequence. His father’s threats were idle.

Trevor’s dad had choices which would have stopped his son’s behavior and taught a valuable lesson. He could have threatened to leave and then actually left. Or, he might have chosen another punishment that he could follow through on. For example, he might have told Trevor that if he kept touching things, they’d have to sit for five minutes and miss out on the class visiting the lobster tank in the seafood department. By following through on that threat, Trevor would be disappointed to miss seeing the lobsters, but he would know that his father meant what he said.

Parents need to think about what they are saying, and be ready to follow through. Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. If you follow through the first time, the kids will be less apt to challenge you the next time.

Should You Hold Your Child Back in Preschool?

Liam is a three year old who is extremely bright, loves to laugh, and has strong fine motor skills. He also cries every time he loses at Memory, is sleepy by mid-afternoon, and his feelings get hurt very easily. Liam’s birthday is in August, which makes him one of the youngest kids in the class. So, when it came time to decide where he should best be placed next year, his parents and teachers had a difficult decision to make.

Today, more and more parents choose to hold their toddlers back a year in school for reasons that are not solely academic. Boys, especially, who tend to be less mature than girls, often benefit from an extra year of development. By repeating the grade level, they have the opportunity to revisit the experience as one of the older children in the class. They will feel more confident, self-assured, and oftentimes will take on a leadership role.

Liam’s parents decided to hold him back and have him repeat the three-four year old program. That extra year is truly a gift, and will allow him to use his skills more confidently. By making the decision now, he can make new friends who he will be in class with until he gets into elementary school. At that point, he will be right on target academically, socially, and emotionally.

This decision could have waited if his parents weren’t sure. For some children, it isn’t obvious that they need an extra year until they are in the four-five year old class, or even kindergarten. By that time, more academic skills have been taught, and it will be more obvious that the child is lagging behind. The same goes for social and emotional growth.
If you have a child about to enter kindergarten and you just aren’t sure whether he’s ready or not, consider this option - if you can afford it, send him to a private kindergarten where he will often get more individual attention due to smaller class sizes. If he still seems like he would benefit from an extra year, he can enter kindergarten again in the public school, and not feel that he has been held back.

Some parents feel that they or their child has failed if he is held back, but I couldn’t disagree more. Being on the older end, as opposed to the younger, has many advantages. He will be physically bigger and stronger; have a chance to further develop fine and gross motor skills; and have the advantage of learning information that is already familiar, which will make him more confident. If you are in doubt about your child, remember that you are giving him a gift when you give him that extra year.

Do You Really Want a Family Bed?

Sometimes, having your children cuddling with you in bed is special. When there’s a loud storm, your toddler had a scary dream, or it’s a special occasion, it can be lovely to have everyone together in bed. Yet, making the decision to let the kids in bed should be a choice that you make. For that to happen, they need to be comfortable in their own beds, and expect that this is where they typically sleep.

From the first night that your little one moves from his crib to his bed, you must lay down the rules. Remind your son that he has this awesome new bed because he's a big boy now. Along with that comes responsibility and a few rules. The first rule is that he must call for you if he wants to get out of bed. Initially, he will likely call for you a lot, but the first step is that he's not allowed to get out of bed without your approval.

If you find that he starts calling for you too much, explain that the next rule is that there are only certain times when he can ask for you. If he's having a bad dream or feels afraid he can certainly call for you. Or, if he has to go to the bathroom, although be sure he uses the bathroom before bed to help avoid that problem. Give him a small drink before bed so he doesn't wake up thirsty.

No doubt, he will cry for you in the middle of the night and tell you he's scared, because he wants to come into your bed. At all costs, try to avoid that. It's easier at times to let him, but once he enjoys the comfort of snuggling with Mommy and Daddy in bed, it will be very hard to wean him of the privilege. Of course, there are special circumstances, such as a loud, scary storm, where you welcome a family bed, but you have to put your foot down on most other occasions.

When he does call you, it’s important for you to go into his room to ask him what's wrong, instead of letting him come into your room. If he says he had a scary dream, let him tell you about it. Reassure him that it was just a dream and he's very safe. You can even look under his bed and in his closet to prove it.

Be sure to place a nightlight by his bed so he can see his surroundings. Tell your little guy that you'll stay with him for five minutes until he falls back asleep, but you are very tired and you need to go back to sleep too. If he doesn't fall asleep in five minutes and starts to cry when you try to leave, tell him that you will wait out in the hall for five more minutes, but then you are going to your own bed by yourself. Try placing a clock by his bed so you can show him exactly what five minutes means.

Most importantly, you have to follow through on what you say. If he still calls for you, tell him that you are going to bed, he is safe and you both need your sleep. Then comes the hard part - you have to let him cry.

I know that it is so much easier to give in, but if you set the ground rules right away, he will understand that he has no choice. Then, on the special occasions when you allow him in your bed, he will know that it is truly special.

I have also had parents tell me that they allowed their child in their room, but the child had to lay on a blanket on the floor. This worked for them, although I don't really see the distinction between the floor and the bed. I believe it’s more important to set the boundary that his room is where he sleeps and your room is where you sleep.

Helping Your Child Deal with Anger

You’re at the food store and your child is shaking in the cart and screaming at the top of her lungs. She is too far gone for you to do anything to calm her down enough to finish your grocery shopping. Everyone is staring, you are hot and sweaty, and you just want to disappear. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. While all kids gets angry at times, some children seem to take their frustration to the outer limits.

“Some kids are temperamentally difficult and don’t cope that well,” says Richard Selznick, PhD, Director of the Cooper Learning Center and author of The Shut-Down Learner. “They tend to be more on the rigid side and are pretty inflexible. These kids don’t handle curve balls really well, so if you throw something at them that you haven’t given them reasonable time to sort out, you can expect them to react in a tantrum and have anger issues.”

How parents should deal with their child depends a great deal on the age and stage of the child. It is very difficult to reason with a three year old because she simply doesn’t understand. In that case, you need to be really attentive to her cues. “You have to be much more mindful of her tendencies,” Dr. Selznick explains. “Toddlers can be almost primitive in their reactions.”

With an eight year old, however, parents can talk sensibly to the child. The trick is finding the right time to have that conversation. In the middle of the meltdown, or even shortly after, the child will still be too upset to have a reasonable conversation. Instead, wait until bedtime when you are both calm and you are tucking her in. Talk about why she was so angry.

“At that point the window is open more than any other time,” Dr. Selznick points out. “Find out from your child what she was upset about and offer your perspective. The possibility of learning can take place in that situation.”

Of course, it’s better if you can prevent the tantrum in the first place. Dr. Selznick encourages parents to continually monitor their child. As soon as she shows signs of getting frustrated, try to redirect her. That might mean having a conversation about what is upsetting her or taking a quick walk to calm her down. He does not believe in indulging the child by giving her candy or buying her something, as that simply reinforces the bad behavior. In the worst case, the child will have her tantrum, and eventually it will be over.

Most importantly, do not yell at your child. When you do, she’s screaming, you’re screaming, and the situation becomes out of control. “Parents utilize yelling as their number one tool,” explains Dr. Selznick. “I know it’s very hard, but I try to get parents to see it as bad weather. You might not like it, but it will pass. Yelling at it is only going to add fuel to the fire.”

Dr. Selznick reminds parents that you are not alone. In his experience it’s the rare family who doesn’t have at least one inflexible child.
For a special place to let your daughter calm down, check out Dora the Explorer Lounge Mat

How Much Homework Help Should Parents Give Kids

Children are assigned homework to help reinforce lessons they learned in school. Sometimes, if those lessons didn’t sink in, the kids will struggle to complete the homework without a teacher helping. In that case, if the parent can help, that is in the child’s best interest. Projects, however, are another story.

We assigned our three year olds the task of creating a bed for the stuffed doll they made in class. Some of the children obviously made it themselves, with crayons, stickers, and bangles adorning a shoe box. Other children worked side-by-side with Mom, in which case the beds were a bit more elaborate. And then there were ones where the parents completed the task without the child’s help.

One such child was Robin. Robin’s box was gorgeous – a bed fit for a doll princess. It had beautiful fabric glued to the outside, ribbon handles sewn on, and even a nightlight to keep the doll safe at night! When Robin showed me her box, I asked her if she and her mommy made it together. “No, Mommy made it all by herself!” she announced.

Standing nearby, her mother told us that she always gave her sister grief for doing her kids’ science projects for them. Now, she realized she was turning into her sister. I certainly don’t mind when a parent helps a child with a project like this. If they work together, it can be a wonderful bonding experience. They can enjoy each other’s company and input, and have fun talking about what a baby might need in her bed. They can reminisce about when the child was a baby, and make the experience positive.

I don’t, however, think that parents should do their children’s projects for them, at any age. That is a child’s responsibility and the only way she will learn how to do things for herself. Lending a guiding hand can provide valuable lessons, but the bulk of the work must be the students.

Tips to Keep Your Children in their Own Beds

Everyone’s excited now that your child has moved from his crib into his big boy bed. Now things will be easier for the family…..or, maybe not. This new experience may be exciting for him, but it’s also a little scary. Plus, it’s easy to climb out of a bed. Getting him to stay in his bed all night is important, and you must set the rule right away. Here are a few tips to help:

1. Remind him that he has this awesome bed because he's a big boy now. But that means he must accept the responsibility comes with that. That means there are a few important rules. The first rule is that he must call for you if he wants to get out of bed. Initially, he may call for you often, but you must stick to your guns that he is not allowed to get out of bed without you.

2. If he calls for you repeatedly, tell him that the next rule is that there are only certain times when he is allowed to ask for you. If he feels afraid or is having a bad dream he can certainly call for you. Also, if he has to go to the bathroom, he should let you know, although be sure he uses the bathroom before bed to help avoid that situation. Limit his drinking before bed so he doesn't wake up thirsty.

Initially, he will likely cry for you in the middle of the night and tell you he's scared, because he wants to come into your bed. At that point you will be exhausted, and it’s easier to say yes, but, try to avoid that. Once he enjoys the comfort of snuggling with Mommy and Daddy in bed, it will be very hard to take away that privilege. There are certainly special circumstances where you welcome a family bed, such as a loud, scary storm, but you have to put your foot down on most other occasions.

3. For the times when he does call you, go into his room as opposed to having him come into yours. Ask him what's wrong in a gentle, soothing voice. If he says he had a scary dream, encourage him to tell you about it and reassure him that it was just a dream and he's very safe. It’s often helpful to place a nightlight by his bed so he can see his surroundings.Cloud B : Twilight Turtle
Tell him you'll stay with him for five minutes until he falls back asleep, but you need to go back to sleep too. If he doesn't fall asleep in five minutes and starts to cry when you try to leave, tell him that you will wait out in the hall for five more minutes. Place a clock by his bed so you can show him exactly what five minutes means. Most importantly, you have to follow through on what you say. If he still calls for you, tell him that you are going to bed, he is safe and you both need your sleep. You have to let him cry, and that isn’t easy.

I know that it is so much simpler to give in, especially when you are all sleep deprived. Yet, if you nip it in the bud right away, he will understand that this is the way it is going to be. Then, on the special occasions when you allow him in your bed, he will recognize that it is truly a special occasion.

Big Kids, Big Problems; Little Kids, Little Problems

As a parent, every problem we have with our children seems monumental, especially the first time we experience it. Enduring potty training, suffering through a difficult bedtime routine, seeking out a responsible babysitter, the list goes on and on. Despite how huge our problems seem, when our kids are little, their issues should not be too catastrophic. In my experience, the saying “big kids, big problems; little kids, little problems” has generally held true.

As I sat in the chair getting my hair cut recently, my cell phone vibrated repeatedly. While I believe it’s rude to check the phone in that circumstance, I was concerned that it went off so many times. So, I checked and discovered calls from two of my young-adult children. It turned out that one was very ill, and the other had a relationship setback that had her very upset.

When our kids are little and they’re sick, we take them to the doctor, be sure they get the appropriate medicine they need, and let them cuddle in our laps. At 22 years old and living in another part of the country, I felt helpless to deal with my son’s illness. I urged him to go to the health clinic, get his friends to buy him Gatorade and chicken soup, and take ibuprofen. But encouraging him to do these things and actually doing it for him are very different things. Scrabble Crossword Game

My daughter needed a shoulder to cry on, but she, too was several states away. I could offer advice, but I couldn’t stroke her hair, make a silly face, or take her out for ice cream. It’s so hard to watch your children, at any age, suffering.

When our kids are young, we hope that we can help them navigate disappointments, illnesses, issues at school, and social problems. The goal is to teach them enough so that they can deal with these things when we aren’t there to guide them. Once kids hit middle school they are faced with peer pressure, drugs, smoking, alcohol, sex, and dangerous behaviors we can barely envision. Hopefully, we’ve guided them well as they’ve grown up, and they can make smart choices. With luck, they will trust us enough to clue us in on what’s going on in their hormone-crazy young lives.

So, the next time you want to freak out because your child has colored on your wall, or flushed a diaper down the toilet, keep your perspective, and your sense of humor. These are little problems. With luck, you won’t have to face too many big ones as the kids get older.

The Importance of Encouraging Independence in Children

It certainly is much easier and quicker if we do things for our children, instead of taking the time to watch them muddle through simple tasks by themselves. Yet, the only way that kids will ever master skills on their own is through trial and error. Whether it’s tackling cutting skills, learning to put on a jacket by himself, potty training, or understanding that blue and yellow make green each and every time, that ‘ah-ha’ moment is priceless.

Certainly, it takes lots of practice for most kids to master something new, and there are usually missteps along the way. Many times, the child gets frustrated when a new task is difficult, and for a parent, watching that frustration can be difficult. Yet, learning perseverance is also an important skill, and we must let our kids figure things out by themselves.

Jean Thomas, MD, MSW, is a Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at both The Children’s National Medical Center and The George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, DC, who is internationally known for early childhood diagnosis and treatment strategies. She urges parents to allow their little ones to figure things out through trial and error.

“Self-confidence grows from feeling your successes, and this is true in young children, older children, and adults,” she says. “If we’ve done a good job at work, we’ve had a good day and feel proud of ourselves, and we know a little bit more about we’re going to do the next day. We’ve honed our skill. It’s the same thing for the child who has so many things new to learn. Pride motivates all of us to try harder and succeed again.”



Remember that, and give your child the time and patience he needs when figuring something out for the first time. When he gets it right, you will both be proud of his independence. While you had to wait a little longer for him to figure it out for himself at first, once he masters a new skill, he will be able to save you time in the future when he completes that task all by himself.

Tips to Stop Your Child from Whining

While I have always prided myself on my patience with little ones, I admit I fail miserably at being accepting when they whine. One of my own children whined as a toddler, and I’ve taught a few whiney kids throughout the years. I’ve learned some great tips on how to stop your child from the annoying habit of whining.

1. Never accept what they say in whine-language. When your child whines, tell her that you do not understand whine language, and she needs to say it again in a big girl voice.

2. Wait until the child is in a happy moment to have a real conversation about why she must stop whining. Typically a child whines when she is upset about something. Maybe she felt slighted by another child, maybe she really wants your attention or a toy, and she feels that she must whine to get what she wants. In those moments, she won’t be thinking rationally when you speak to her, because she is too focused on her needs at that moment. Wait until she has moved on from that episode and is happy. Then explain to her that babies whine, big girls do not, and if she wants to be treated like a big girl, she will have to speak like one.

3. Use positive reinforcement. In my experience, children always react more favorably through praise than they do with threats and punishments. Certainly a whining child can make you want to threaten her, but take a deep breath and think about the long run. Instead, remind her that you will not listen to her until she uses a big girl voice. Then, throughout the day, when she is speaking normally, praise her on acting like such a big girl.

4. Find incentives to keep her behavior positive. Create a sticker chart and if she makes it through a certain time frame without whining, give her a sticker. That time frame will depend on how often she whines. If it’s constant, your time frame must start off short, maybe from breakfast to lunch. If she refrains from whining in those few hours, you will give her a sticker. You can gradually increase that amount of time. When she reaches 10 stickers, give her a treat of some kind. That might be a small toy, a visit to the ice cream parlor, a trip to her favorite playground, etc.
MY CHORES ~ 25 Weekly Chart Forms & 175 Stickers


5. Point out the fact that other children, siblings, classmates, or friends, do not whine. Remind your child that her family members and peers are able to speak without whining, so she can too.

6. Be consistent. There might be times when your child’s whining doesn’t bother you as much, or you are embarrassed to discuss it in front of other people. Yet, children need consistency to understand that you mean what you say. If you pick and choose when her whining is allowed, and when it is not, she won’t understand the difference.

7. Encourage your child to save her tears for something important. Oftentimes, whining is accompanied by tears. Most of the time the child is crying over something trivial, like arguing over a toy, or wanting to go first. In those cases, once the child has calmed down, remind her that there is no reason for her to cry over something like that. She should save her tears for when she is hurt.

8. Try to figure out what triggers the whining. Many times, a child starts to whine when she is over-tired. In that case, try to move her nap time a little earlier, before this behavior begins. You might find that simply giving her rest earlier will stop her whining altogether.

Reasons to Find a Way to Get Your Toddlers to Eat Many Foods

I taught a four year old child who refused to eat any fruit or vegetables. His parents were extremely frustrated with his stubbornness, but they were also worried that if they pushed too hard, he’d become even more anxious about food, and potentially develop emotional or psychological problems. Of course, they recognized that his diet was less healthy than it should be, but they hoped he’d grow out of it. While I understood their concerns, there are many reasons why they needed to nip this problem in the bud, and find a way to get their toddler to eat a variety of foods, especially healthy ones.

These parents believed that his refusal to eat fruit and vegetables was a control issue. What he put in his mouth was an area he could control. Unfortunately, that is a red flag right there. Kids with eating disorders generally get into trouble because that is an area they alone can control. At four years old, I believe that his parents needed to find a way to encourage him to get over his issue of control.

Before seeing a psychologist, nutritionist, or other health professional, there are things parents can do first. Involving the child into decisions about his food will also give him control. Take him to the supermarket and let him choose one fruit or vegetable that he will eat. Maybe he’ll choose something exotic, like a pomegranate or artichoke. Tell him that he must taste this food. If he likes it, fantastic! If not, he doesn’t have to eat it, but he has to choose something else.

Also let him help you prepare his meal. Cook a food like carrots in several ways. Let him taste them raw with a veggie dip or dipped in peanut butter. Also, steam them or add them to chicken noodle soup. Let him help you use cookie cutters on other foods, like apples, to make the shape interesting. Wilton 101 Cookie Cutter SetApples can also be dipped in honey or sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar.

Children should also be given choices, though limited ones. He can choose between string beans and corn, or cucumbers and red peppers, but he must choose one. Of course, you must be willing to eat varied foods, to show him the importance of it. If he sees you turn your nose up at vegetables, that is the example he will follow. Always use positive reinforcement and not punishments. If he eats his vegetables for a week, he can choose a special dessert or you will take him to a movie or playground.

Also, try foods repeatedly. Just because he doesn’t like something once, doesn’t mean he won’t develop an appetite for it another time. You can also encourage him to have dinner at a friend or relative’s house where he might be too embarrassed to balk at a food. Once he tries it, he might actually like it.

Getting your child to eat a variety of foods, especially healthy ones, is important. Getting off to a good start will make his life much healthier as he gets older.

If Your Child is Diagnosed with Autism, Early Intervention and Complimentary Support Help

It is so hard to believe when you first find out that your child has a disability. Yet, getting that diagnose early is vitally important in providing you with the most effective way to help your child. There are many available services provided free of charge or through insurance that give you the support you need.

At sixteen months old, Maya Gordon gradually stopped speaking and suddenly wasn’t responding to her name being called. Concerned, her parents sought early intervention and Maya was diagnosed with autism. To supplement the early intervention that her township provided, the Gordons also immediately enrolled Maya into a children’s rehabilitation hospital program for autistic children.

“We definitely see some improvement in Maya,” says her mother Lakisha. “I see the benefit in the therapy. “The more, the better, so contracting the rehab hospital in addition to early intervention has helped Maya,” Gordon insists.

That therapy includes two hour-long visits each week, one for speech and the second for occupational therapy. The hospital also provides physical therapy to children who need it.
Children with autism are treated with therapeutic listening, sensory integration therapy and a play-based approach. All three are designed to improve the child’s engagement, interactions with others, play skills, self-help skills and fine motor development.

Maya enjoys her visits to the rehabilitation hospital, which include a lot of swinging, climbing and jumping. Through these activities she is learning to increase eye contact and engagement, and she has further developed her fine motor skills.



“It’s like play to her, so I don’t feel that I’m subjecting her to anything too grueling,” Lakisha adds. “I love their staff. I feel very fortunate in the people who Maya is working with. I like the therapy she’s getting and also the support from the other parents who are bringing their children there. My husband calls it my support group.”

For the Gordons, the hospital has helped the entire family. In addition to the therapies provided at the hospital, the staff creates a complimentary program for families to follow at home.

“It’s also educational for me,” points out Lakisha. “I didn’t know much about autism before Maya was diagnosed. She’s home with me most of the time, so they’ve taught me ways that I can help her at home while she’s still young. There’s a greater chance of success when you start when they’re young.”

No parent wants to believe their children has a disability, yet, when they acknowledge the possibility and seek early intervention, they are giving their child the help he or she needs.

How to Raise Well-Adjusted Kids after Divorce

Nobody wants to get a divorce, especially when kids are involved. Yet, sometimes that outcome is inevitable, and the parents' job is to help the kids remain well-adjusted in the aftermath.

A few years ago I taught a young boy whose parents were going through a very messy divorce. It was a tough year for everyone in the family. The parents hated that they were putting their children through the process, but they recognized that they didn't want to stay married. Now, several years later, the divorce is final, the parents have created new lives of their own, and the kids are flourishing.

It is sad when young children have to face their parents' divorce, but kids are resillient and they will be healthier if their parents are happy. I grew up in a home where my parents fought constantly and they didn't divorce until I was 16. I think I would have been better off had they made the split sooner, as there was always tension hanging over all of us.

As much as we’d love to shield our children from pain, they do deserve to know about things that will affect them. Sadly, there are parents who get divorced while their children are in preschool. It is very hard for parents to know what to say to their children or how to behave in the presence of their spouse. How do you talk to a very young child about divorce?

Jean Thomas, MD, MSW, a Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at both The Children’s National Medical Center and The George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, DC, who is internationally known for early childhood diagnosis and treatment strategies, shares her point of view. She points out that parents cannot hide their true feelings.

“The feelings that they think they’re hiding are shown to the child by their facial expression and body language," she explains. "Let’s say they are putting on a pretty face every time they are with the child and the spouse. But, the child sees through that and absolutely knows when the parent is having a hard time, despite the false face that the parent presents.”

She suggests that the parents tell the child that Mommy and Daddy have been arguing and have been unhappy. “The problem with not telling the child what’s going on is the facial or body language information the child is reading,” explains Dr. Thomas. “The child thinks that it’s something he’s done. They have very strong little super egos so they blame themselves. That can lead toward a long-term depressive process if it’s not reversed. I think it’s very important that the child understands that there’s a problem.”



Until you are sure that you are going to separate or divorce, you don’t want to suggest to your child that separation is a possibility. “You don’t want to put ideas into their head that are then going to be reversed or fixed,” says Dr. Thomas. “If it’s a done deal and somebody’s moving out this weekend, I would make sure that there is no blame put on one or the other parent. Say something like, ‘Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along very well and we think we would do better living in different places. We both love you and you know it’s not your fault.’” She says that kids are going to believe it’s their fault even if nobody is blaming them. They might think back to the night before when they were in trouble for spilling their milk as the reason for everyone’s unhappiness today.

So don't beat yourself up if you find yourself in this situation. But, you do need to work hard to keep your children well-adjusted through the process.