A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom

I have two students who spent their week off due to snow potty training. Congratulations to them!!! What a great idea to spend time stuck inside in such a useful way. In honor of this achievement, I want to tell my favorite potty story.

At five years old, Tristen was able to go down the hall by himself when he needed the bathroom. One day, he came back dripping wet. His hair was especially soaked.
“Tristen, what happened to you?” his teacher asked.
“Nothing,” he insisted, eyes looking down at his feet.
“Tristen, your hair is all wet. It’s okay, just please tell me what happened,” she asked encouragingly.
“I just wanted to see how high my pee could go!” he stammered.

Please share your funny potty stories!

Should You Hold Your Child Back in Preschool?

Liam is a three year old who is extremely bright, loves to laugh, and has strong fine motor skills. He also cries every time he loses at Memory, is sleepy by mid-afternoon, and his feelings get hurt very easily. Liam’s birthday is in August, which makes him one of the youngest kids in the class. So, when it came time to decide where he should best be placed next year, his parents and teachers had a difficult decision to make.

Today, more and more parents choose to hold their toddlers back a year in school for reasons that are not solely academic. Boys, especially, who tend to be less mature than girls, often benefit from an extra year of development. By repeating the grade level, they have the opportunity to revisit the experience as one of the older children in the class. They will feel more confident, self-assured, and oftentimes will take on a leadership role.

Liam’s parents decided to hold him back and have him repeat the three-four year old program. That extra year is truly a gift, and will allow him to use his skills more confidently. By making the decision now, he can make new friends who he will be in class with until he gets into elementary school. At that point, he will be right on target academically, socially, and emotionally.

This decision could have waited if his parents weren’t sure. For some children, it isn’t obvious that they need an extra year until they are in the four-five year old class, or even kindergarten. By that time, more academic skills have been taught, and it will be more obvious that the child is lagging behind. The same goes for social and emotional growth.
If you have a child about to enter kindergarten and you just aren’t sure whether he’s ready or not, consider this option - if you can afford it, send him to a private kindergarten where he will often get more individual attention due to smaller class sizes. If he still seems like he would benefit from an extra year, he can enter kindergarten again in the public school, and not feel that he has been held back.

Some parents feel that they or their child has failed if he is held back, but I couldn’t disagree more. Being on the older end, as opposed to the younger, has many advantages. He will be physically bigger and stronger; have a chance to further develop fine and gross motor skills; and have the advantage of learning information that is already familiar, which will make him more confident. If you are in doubt about your child, remember that you are giving him a gift when you give him that extra year.

Tips to Stop Your Child from Whining

While I have always prided myself on my patience with little ones, I admit I fail miserably at being accepting when they whine. One of my own children whined as a toddler, and I’ve taught a few whiney kids throughout the years. I’ve learned some great tips on how to stop your child from the annoying habit of whining.

1. Never accept what they say in whine-language. When your child whines, tell her that you do not understand whine language, and she needs to say it again in a big girl voice.

2. Wait until the child is in a happy moment to have a real conversation about why she must stop whining. Typically a child whines when she is upset about something. Maybe she felt slighted by another child, maybe she really wants your attention or a toy, and she feels that she must whine to get what she wants. In those moments, she won’t be thinking rationally when you speak to her, because she is too focused on her needs at that moment. Wait until she has moved on from that episode and is happy. Then explain to her that babies whine, big girls do not, and if she wants to be treated like a big girl, she will have to speak like one.

3. Use positive reinforcement. In my experience, children always react more favorably through praise than they do with threats and punishments. Certainly a whining child can make you want to threaten her, but take a deep breath and think about the long run. Instead, remind her that you will not listen to her until she uses a big girl voice. Then, throughout the day, when she is speaking normally, praise her on acting like such a big girl.

4. Find incentives to keep her behavior positive. Create a sticker chart and if she makes it through a certain time frame without whining, give her a sticker. That time frame will depend on how often she whines. If it’s constant, your time frame must start off short, maybe from breakfast to lunch. If she refrains from whining in those few hours, you will give her a sticker. You can gradually increase that amount of time. When she reaches 10 stickers, give her a treat of some kind. That might be a small toy, a visit to the ice cream parlor, a trip to her favorite playground, etc.
MY CHORES ~ 25 Weekly Chart Forms & 175 Stickers


5. Point out the fact that other children, siblings, classmates, or friends, do not whine. Remind your child that her family members and peers are able to speak without whining, so she can too.

6. Be consistent. There might be times when your child’s whining doesn’t bother you as much, or you are embarrassed to discuss it in front of other people. Yet, children need consistency to understand that you mean what you say. If you pick and choose when her whining is allowed, and when it is not, she won’t understand the difference.

7. Encourage your child to save her tears for something important. Oftentimes, whining is accompanied by tears. Most of the time the child is crying over something trivial, like arguing over a toy, or wanting to go first. In those cases, once the child has calmed down, remind her that there is no reason for her to cry over something like that. She should save her tears for when she is hurt.

8. Try to figure out what triggers the whining. Many times, a child starts to whine when she is over-tired. In that case, try to move her nap time a little earlier, before this behavior begins. You might find that simply giving her rest earlier will stop her whining altogether.

Reasons to Find a Way to Get Your Toddlers to Eat Many Foods

I taught a four year old child who refused to eat any fruit or vegetables. His parents were extremely frustrated with his stubbornness, but they were also worried that if they pushed too hard, he’d become even more anxious about food, and potentially develop emotional or psychological problems. Of course, they recognized that his diet was less healthy than it should be, but they hoped he’d grow out of it. While I understood their concerns, there are many reasons why they needed to nip this problem in the bud, and find a way to get their toddler to eat a variety of foods, especially healthy ones.

These parents believed that his refusal to eat fruit and vegetables was a control issue. What he put in his mouth was an area he could control. Unfortunately, that is a red flag right there. Kids with eating disorders generally get into trouble because that is an area they alone can control. At four years old, I believe that his parents needed to find a way to encourage him to get over his issue of control.

Before seeing a psychologist, nutritionist, or other health professional, there are things parents can do first. Involving the child into decisions about his food will also give him control. Take him to the supermarket and let him choose one fruit or vegetable that he will eat. Maybe he’ll choose something exotic, like a pomegranate or artichoke. Tell him that he must taste this food. If he likes it, fantastic! If not, he doesn’t have to eat it, but he has to choose something else.

Also let him help you prepare his meal. Cook a food like carrots in several ways. Let him taste them raw with a veggie dip or dipped in peanut butter. Also, steam them or add them to chicken noodle soup. Let him help you use cookie cutters on other foods, like apples, to make the shape interesting. Wilton 101 Cookie Cutter SetApples can also be dipped in honey or sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar.

Children should also be given choices, though limited ones. He can choose between string beans and corn, or cucumbers and red peppers, but he must choose one. Of course, you must be willing to eat varied foods, to show him the importance of it. If he sees you turn your nose up at vegetables, that is the example he will follow. Always use positive reinforcement and not punishments. If he eats his vegetables for a week, he can choose a special dessert or you will take him to a movie or playground.

Also, try foods repeatedly. Just because he doesn’t like something once, doesn’t mean he won’t develop an appetite for it another time. You can also encourage him to have dinner at a friend or relative’s house where he might be too embarrassed to balk at a food. Once he tries it, he might actually like it.

Getting your child to eat a variety of foods, especially healthy ones, is important. Getting off to a good start will make his life much healthier as he gets older.

Making the Most of Parent Teacher Conferences

When my kids were in preschool, I couldn’t wait for parent teacher conferences. This was a chance for an objective observer to fill me in on how my children were doing. Were they playing well with their peers? Did they enjoy learning? Were they developing appropriately?

Now that I sit on the other side of the desk, I feel the weight of the importance of these conferences. In most cases, I get to be the bearer of wonderful compliments about a child and the great parenting that has made him so successful. I’m able to point out the child’s strengths and why he is an important part of our class. What parent doesn’t want to hear good news?!

Sometimes, that good news is sprinkled with comments about a student’s weaknesses. These conferences are designed to also point out things that the parent can work on with their child. For example, if he has weak fine motor skills, we make recommendations of activities the child can do at home to strengthen his muscles. If he is struggling with numbers, we suggest games they can play to help him learn.

Yet, sometimes there are gray areas in terms of what a teacher can reasonably say. In one conference, I had to tread lightly in encouraging a parent to work harder to potty train her daughter. This child was four years old, yet still wore pull-ups. Her mother admitted that she was still too afraid to let her child go “unprotected,” in underwear. Yet, the child was bright, verbal, and a quick learner in all areas in school, and I was sure that she could be trained quickly and easily given the opportunity. In school we encouraged her to use the bathroom regularly, but without her parents following up at home, it couldn’t work.

During this conference I could feel that her mother didn’t appreciate my suggestion. In truth, when to potty train is a parent’s prerogative, and she didn’t like my suggesting that she wasn’t a good parent in this respect. Did I cross the line? I don’t think so. It is my experience that by four years old, a child should be trained unless there are other underlying issues. I felt it was my responsibility to encourage her training, and I was very willing to help out.




We compromised that she would place the child in underwear, and then put the pull-up over top of the underwear. In this way, if the child did have an accident, the pull-up would keep it from leaking out, but the child could feel the discomfort of being wet. If several days passed and the underwear remained dry, her mother could feel confident in getting rid of the pull-ups altogether.

Unfortunately, there are also conferences where we have to broach the subject of red flags that we see. Possibly the child isn’t processing information appropriately, maybe she needs help with her speech, or we are seeing something that is unusual at this age. These are never easy conversations to have, yet they are vitally important. Given early intervention, many issues can be resolved or dealt with before too much time passes.

When you have your parent teacher conference, come armed with any questions or concerns you might have. If the teacher makes a recommendation that you don’t agree with, take a deep breath and listen to what she has to say. Once you’ve had time to digest the information, you can choose to handle it in your way. But remember that she only has your child’s best interests at heart.

Hero Kids

I am constantly urging parents to demonstrate charity to their children through their actions, so it always impresses me when the kids see the lesson and carry them forward. Congratulations to thirteen year old Jenny Silver who has given over 5,000 stuffed bears to children in need over the holidays since starting Bowling for Bears at the ripe young age of nine. For her efforts, the eighth grader at Rosa International Middle School in Cherry Hill has been chosen as one of 12 award winners in the Build-A-Bear Workshop Community Service Program.

Though only nine years old when Hurricane Katrina hit, Jenny was touched by the disaster. “I wanted to make sure the kids who were affected would still receive holiday gifts, and would know that they weren’t forgotten and that people were thinking of them,” she recalls.

Seeking out the “fun” in fundraiser, Jenny and her family held a bowling event and invited guests to seek out sponsorships in order to play. Each year, in early December, enough money is raised to provide $8 bears to hundreds of children in need. “We have t-shirts, food, and it’s a really fun event,” says Jenny.

For the first two years, Jenny donated the bears to Children’s Hospital in New Orleans and the surrounding area. In the third year she gave her donations to The Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia and other local kids in need in Philly and Camden.

“It really meant a lot to me to be recognized with so many amazing kids who have done such great things,” says Jenny. “It was an honor to be a part of it.”

Family Meals Form Strong Bonds

It’s certainly logical that spending more time with family members should strengthen relationships, and now there’s proof that family meals keep kids healthier on many levels. Of course, carving time out of your lives to find a common hour when everyone can sit at the dinner table is a challenge. Yet, it’s worth the effort.
Kids who eat family meals do better in school and are less involved in dangerous behaviors. Research shows that the time spent talking, debating, and even arguing over the dinner table, helps forge stronger relationships. When parents show that they are interested in what their children have to say, the kids are more likely to share more about their lives.

There are many positives that come out of family meals. For one, parents will learn more about their kids, and visa versa. You also get the chance to demonstrate that you value other family member’s opinions. Find out what’s happening in your children’s lives, what matters to them, who their friends are, etc. etc.

Studies also show that parental influence and involvement is an important tool in preventing substance abuse. Compared to teens who have frequent family dinners, those who rarely have family dinners are three-and-a-half times more likely to have abused prescription drugs or an illegal drug other than marijuana.

Family meals also encourage healthy eating. By eating with your children, it is more likely that meals will be more balanced. Girls who have five or more meals a week with their families are one-third less likely to develop unhealthy eating habits, which can range from skipping meals to full-fledged anorexia or abusing diet pills.

With religious classes, sports, classes, jobs, and other activities, finding time for family meals is difficult. But do your best to try to make this a priority. Your family will enjoy the benefits.

Guide Your Children, Don't Manage Them

When your kids are very young, you need to manage them. You must plan when they eat, nap, bathe and go to bed at night, and you must help them with these tasks. But as they get older, children need to begin making more of their own decisions. At that point you will become more of a guide than a manager.

Our job as parents is to demonstrate to our kids what our values are, and hopefully they will follow in our footsteps. To think that we can do things for them and run their lives is short sighted. What will happen to them when they have a decision to make and we aren't around to make them?

Well-known family therapist Daniel Gottlieb, best known for his award-winning radio talk show Voices in the Family on WHYY, and his most recent book, Learning from the Heart, believes that parenting styles have to change as our children change. "As children reach grade school, they need more gentle management," he asserts. "And when they hit puberty, now they need guidance more than management."

It is important that parents lay the groundwork early on for open dialogue with their kids. That becomes most critical when a child hits puberty. Managing a child too tightly does not open a door for dialogue. "Then the only dialogue is right and wrong, obedient and disobedient or those type of simplistic black and white dyads," he explains.

Instead, by keeping communication open as your children grow, they will feel comfortable coming to you when problems get bigger. That will open the door for child to say, 'Mom, Dad, I'm suffering,' or 'I'm feeling depressed,' or 'a kid offered me pot.' These are the dialogues we desperately need to have with our children. If we're busy managing, it's not going to happen.

Keep that in mind as you parent your toddlers. They will demonstrate when they are ready to take on more responsibility. Don't be afraid to give it to them. A three year old can certainly put his toys back on the shelf with your guidance. A four year old can help put groceries in the pantry (preferably the non-breakable variety) and a five year old can determine if she'd prefer to try ballet or gymnastics. Help your children make decisions and discover new things that they can achieve on their own. Be sure that they know you will always be there to support them and their choices, and help them when things don't go according to plan.

Remember That You Are Your Child's Primary Teacher

We all want what’s best for our children so we enroll them into the right school, sign up for the greatest classes, and get the them the best educational toys. Yet, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that parents are your children’s primary teachers and every moment you spend with your children is valuable.

Keep in mind that your children watch you and learn from your examples. If you drive a hybrid, use cloth reusable grocery bags, and recycle your trash, your children will learn how to be environmentally conscious. You don’t need to sit them down and give a speech, they can see from your actions that protecting the environment is important to you.

If you spend time playing outdoors, hitting the gym, and enjoying physical activities, your kids will learn that exercise is important. You won’t have to urge them from the couch or computer because they will have learned the importance of physical activity.




If you serve healthy meals and eat what is served, your kids will learn to try those foods. By refusing to make other meals specifically for a picky eater, they will be forced to eat what the rest of the family is eating, and will recognize that healthy eating is a family priority.

The car is a great place to spend time looking at the world outside the windows and talking about what you see. Discuss your day, your child’s day, the big yellow bulldozer you see, and even the music playing on the radio. These discussions will show your children that you care about them, and will teach them many lessons about the world around them.

Classes and toys are fine, but never forget that you are your children’s most important teacher.

Develop Fine Motor Skills in the Kitchen

As the teacher of three year olds, I find that children’s fine motor skills are often extremely weak. One theory is that now we place our babies on their backs instead of their stomachs to help prevent Infant Death Syndrome, and that has prevented infants from strengthening their arms and hands. Whatever the cause, we must find ways to help kids develop their small muscles and the kitchen is a great place to start.

Let your children help you make a salad by tearing the lettuce. The act of ripping is wonderful to help develop fine motor skills. At the same time, they are learning how to make a salad and feel proud to have helped prepare dinner.

On spaghetti night, let your child break the strands of uncooked spaghetti that you will then put into the pot of boiling water. They can help you sprinkle the garlic and parmesan cheese on the garlic bread. If you enjoy baking, let your toddler help. Kneading dough for bread, holding measuring spoons and cups, and even stirring batter, all help strengthen their small muscles.

If you are nervous having your children take part in the actual meal preparation, have a special container of toys in the kitchen that they can play with while you cook. Play dough, puzzles, safety scissors, and balls filled with sand, are all activities that help develop fine motor skills. Even coloring with crayons and pencils is great.

All the while, you can talk about the meal you are preparing or just chatter about your day. It’s a bonding experience that is good for your child, and you, in many ways.

Encourage Your Child to be an Individual - Within Reason

While we encourage every child to be an individual, and nurture the differences that make each one special, there are times when children must conform to the rest of the class. Aaron was an extremely bright, precocious child with a mother who believed that he could do no wrong. She felt that he was more advanced than the other children and should be given special privileges. For whatever reason, he didn’t like to say thank you. When the teachers tried to insist that he use good manners, he’d refuse.

They called his mother and explained the problem they were having. Aaron’s mother said that at home he is allowed to say “T-Y” instead of thank you. She never knew why he was so adamant about it, but as long as he said “T-Y,” that was fine with her. The problem was that in a classroom community where the teachers are trying to instill good manners in young kids, he was allowed to do things differently.

And this wasn’t an isolated example. Andrew’s mother gave the teachers clear instructions regarding what he was allowed to modify if he didn’t want to do something. Sometimes, the teachers followed her wishes, but other times they could not. On one occasion there was outbreak of lice in the classroom. The teachers had to check each child individually by combing his hair in a special way to seek out any lice. Andrew’s mother protested. “He is an individual and he is uncomfortable about having his teacher comb his hair,” she explained.

The teacher responded that she would be very quick and as soothing and gentle as possible, but in this situation Andrew had to conform to the group. They could not risk that he might have lice and would bring them back into the classroom.

We want all of our children to be individuals, but there are times when they must follow the rules and conform for the greater good of the group.

Monitor your Child's Diet to Keep Him Fit

Exercise is half of the battle in keeping kids fit. Their diet is the other half. Ryan came into our class at three as an average sized child. By January, he had gained quite a bit of weight. His cheeks were fuller, his belly was bigger and while he hadn’t grown a lot taller, he was definitely wider. His mother shared her concerns with us and said that she tried to limit his diet, but that was hard to do for a three year old.

We gave her some suggestions to help reverse the trend and keep Ryan physically fit. For starters, his mother told us that he hated to eat breakfast. She figured that was okay because those were calories he wasn’t eating. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that eating a healthy breakfast can help children avoid gaining weight, because they tend to spread their calorie intake throughout the day, instead of eating one or two large meals.

We encouraged her to see a nutritionist, who made several recommendations. For breakfast she would feed him low sugar cereal with milk, or toast with either peanut butter or a low fat cream cheese, or one waffle with fruit. An eight ounce glass of calcium fortified juice was all he needed, as drinks can contain a lot of calories. Ryan typically ate a pre-packaged pizza meal for lunch. It turned out that the meal was laden with calories. Instead, she switched lunch to deli turkey, or humus and crackers, or yogurt, and she included lots of fresh vegetables with a low fat dip to go along with his main dish. She could give him one treat for dessert, such as a piece of candy or small bag of cookies. Depriving a child of something sweet isn’t necessary. Her nutritionist told her that this is his reward for eating healthy foods and that anything in moderation is acceptable.

Let’s start our kids off on healthy paths when they are young. The choices you teach your children to make now, will guide them throughout their lives.

With Independence Come Mishaps, but Encourage Your Toddlers to do Things for Themselves

I often preach the importance of encouraging independence in your toddlers. They need to try things for themselves to discover what the world has to offer. Oftentimes, they will try something new but won’t succeed. Part of the lesson is in figuring out how to do something differently the next time, until they ultimately figure it out.

Kudos to 2 year old Brady’s mom. Her little guy so desperately wants to be just like his 4 year old big brother, that he is constantly trying to do things he isn’t yet ready for. For example, Brady was convinced he could brush his own teeth, and he actually succeeded…sort of.

Brady hopped up onto the bathroom stool and grabbed his brother’s toothbrush from the stand. He found the white stuff that he was sure goes on toothbrushes and began brushing furiously. At that moment, his mom stepped into the bathroom and realized that Brady was brushing his teeth with hand soap!

It’s not so easy to get an overabundance of hand soap out of a two year old’s mouth. Though Brady’s mom was somewhat exasperated, it was actually a wonderful moment for her son. He may have been confused about the toothpaste, but he was successful in brushing his teeth all by himself.

On another occasion, Brady observed his older brother blowing his nose into a tissue. Brady’s mother found him sitting next to an empty box of tissues and a toilet bowl filled with the ones he’d used in blowing his own nose. My kids were pretty old before they could blow their own noses, but Brady figured this difficult skill out on his own. Sure, he used up an entire box of Kleenex, and there could have been a nasty overflow in the toilet, but he taught himself an important skill.

God bless Brady’s parents and all the other parents out there with the understanding necessary to allow toddlers to learn new things. It takes a sense of humor of to be a parent. Remember that in the moments when it’s easy to forget.

Clean-Up Time: Your Child’s First Job

I am a big believer in giving kids responsibilities at a very young age. At two years old, your child is fully capable of helping clean up his toys, and he will enjoy the independence and feeling of usefulness that accompanies the task.

Clean-up time is the perfect chance to promote independence, both at school and at home. Not only do kids do a great job cleaning up, but they love the challenge. In school, we make clean-up time fun. There are two songs that encourage the kids to give it their all. The first is an old standby:

Clean up girls,
Clean up boys,
Put away your blocks and toys,
And don’t forget the little dolly’s cup,
That’s the way that we clean up.

Once they get started, they want acknowledgement for their hard work. That’s where the second song comes in:

I like the way that _(child’s name)__ is cleaning up,
I like the way that ____ is cleaning up,
I like the way that ____ is cleaning up,
Here at school today.

Heaven forbid we leave a child out, he is quick to demonstrate his cleaning prowess. The children work especially hard to be sure we sing their names.

As a parent, it is your job to teach your children how to be a contributing part of your family, as well as a contributor to the greater community. Each person must take some responsibility in being a productive part of their world. The sooner your child accepts this responsibility, the easier it will be for him to continue to find new ways to help out. First, it’s cleaning up his toys, but soon he can help set the table, put away non-breakable groceries, make his bed, and the list goes on and on. He will feel very proud of his accomplishments as he demonstrates that he is an important helper in his family.

Breast Cancer Awareness for Mothers

Though this blog is typically devoted to preschool and toddler issues, today I'm going to repeat a previous post because it’s so important. This one is about Mom. I am now three years cancer free, and I need to periodically share my story in hopes of reaching other moms who face a similar ordeal.

According to the most recent stats from the American Cancer Society (ACS), the chance of a woman having invasive breast cancer some time during her life is about 1 in 8. The chance of dying from breast cancer is about 1 in 35. Ladies, that means that when you're in your Little Gym class and you take a look around the circle of 8 women, one of you will likely get breast cancer. Please don't think it can't happen to you.

My cancer was detected through a routine mammogram. I never felt a lump or any pain at all. In fact, after the doctors knew exactly where the lump was, they still couldn't feel it. Believe me...they tried! Because my little lump was detected so early, my oncologist dubbed it an "excellent little cancer." As cancer goes, that was a nice diagnosis to have. It was excellent because it was found early was extremely susceptible to treatment.

I went through a few surgeries and a summer of daily radiation and have been in tip top shape ever since. There is little history of breast cancer in my family - it just happened and no one knows why.

So, to be the best parent you can be, you must take care of yourself. The ACS recommends that women without a family history of breast cancer get their first mammogram at 40. If you have a history, you need to talk to your doctor about the appropriate age to begin. A mammogram is a walk in the park compared to breast cancer treatment. Take a girlfriend, build in a lunch out at a real restaurant to celebrate your health.

I'd love comments from other women, especially those who for some reason refuse to get a mammogram. I want to try to change your mind before it's too late.

Preschoolers’ Language Skills Develop at Different Rates but Practice Makes Perfect

The rate at which every child’s language skills develop differs, with some two year olds barely speaking while others are using full sentences. From the time they walk in the preschool classroom door at two, until they move on to elementary school at five or six, children learn not only how to articulate their needs, but they can also express their feelings to others, and feel comfortable speaking in front of a group.

There are many opportunities in preschool to practice these skills. In our three year old class, the children have several chances each week to practice public speaking. Every Monday during circle time, we pass our class mascot, Mr. Bear, from child to child. While a student is holding Mr. Bear, it is his turn to speak. He can tell us what he did over the weekend, or something else he’d like to share. Most children love this time, as holding Mr. Bear is a treat. Any child who is not holding the mascot understands that he needs to be quiet while another student is speaking. That helps the other children develop good listening skills. For children who are especially shy and not comfortable speaking to the group, they can give Mr. Bear a hug and pass him on to the next student without feeling the pressure to speak in front of the class.

The children have another opportunity to speak in front of the class when we have Show and Tell. Here again, we tailor the questions to the child. Some kids love to talk and are happy to go on and on. For those students, we try to ask more thought provoking questions. For example, if the Show and Tell theme was ‘something I used as a baby,’ and a child brought in a rattle, we might ask why he thinks babies enjoy rattles. Of course, there is no right or wrong answer. The point is to help them become comfortable speaking in front of other people. The children who are unable to speak in front of the group when the school year begins, almost always become comfortable by the year’s end.

If your child is especially shy in these instances, practice with him at home. Role-play what he might say when it is his turn in class. That little bit of practice goes a long way. Take advantage of mealtime to encourage your child to speak to you. Ask him what he did in school, or why he likes to play at his neighbor’s house. The more he practices speaking, the more comfortable he will feel. And don’t forget to listen to his answers. You will learn a great deal about your child through casual conversation.

Dress Your Preschooler Appropriately for School

Part of your school planning process involves having the right clothing for your child to wear to school. Be sure to choose comfortable clothes for school days. The children should be able to play freely, without worrying about what they are wearing. One year, we had a little girl, Carly, whose mother made all of her clothes. She operated a cottage business making and selling children’s clothing. Every day, Carly came to school in an outfit cuter than the day before. Her barrettes or hair bands matched the cuffs of her pants, and the way her mother combined fabrics was unusual and unique. Unfortunately, many times Carly’s pants or skirts were too long, and she was constantly tripping over them. We’d have to roll them up just to keep her safe.

Her mother told us that Carly hated getting dressed up, but her daughter was her “sample size.” She needed the other mothers, her potential customers, to see Carly’s outfits. As soon as she came home from school, Carly would rip off her clothing and put on a pair of jeans or sweatpants and a t-shirt, usually her brother’s soccer shirt. She felt much more comfortable in loose fitting clothing.

Carly’s mother had a specific reason for sending her daughter to school dressed as she did, and I always marveled at her mother’s seamstress prowess. She was lucky that her daughter was willing to wear the outfits she created. Fortunately, she didn’t mind if her daughter spilled juice on her shirt or got paint on her sleeve, which are inevitable outcomes for preschoolers.

When buying your child’s school clothes, keep in mind that they will be getting dirty. If you bristle at the thought of scuffed knees from a fall on the playground, or dot marker on a collar, find another outfit that can get dirty. Smocks are not foolproof and snack time is often an adventure in drips and spills.

As for shoes, most preschoolers go on the playground almost every day. Typical school playgrounds have mulch, recycled tires, or some other material that can get into open shoes. While sandals seem perfect for warmer days, having mulch constantly stuck in your shoes makes for a miserable playground experience. Sneakers are way better. It is also necessary to have your child wear tennis shoes on gym days, to be able to take advantage of all the activities.

When choosing shoes for two and three year olds, I find that Velcro closures are best. Once the children reach four or five, ties are important so the kids can begin learning how to tie. But for the very little ones, having to deal with untied shoes is annoying. Many shoes come with rounded laces which seem to be perpetually untied. Flatter laces tend to stay tied longer.

I learned a trick from a shoe salesman. If you loop the string twice when you make the initial knot, before you start the bow, it tends to hold longer. Then make a double knot and it should last for at least the morning.

A Parent’s Role at Back to School Night

I already addressed the teacher’s role at back-to-school night and what parents can learn from that session. Now I want to address the parents’ role. Of course, this is not the night to have a personal conference about your child. That opportunity will come during parent-teacher conferences, or if you feel it is necessary, you can make a private appointment sooner.

Back-to-school night is the chance for you to ask your child’s teachers what the children will be learning, and what you can do at home to compliment what is taught in class. Should you read to your child every night? Should you practice his letters and numbers? Should you try to teach him how to read? Depending on your child’s age and stage of development, the answers to these questions might differ, but your child’s teachers will have basic rules of thumb that they are happy to share with you.

As a teacher of three year olds, I would encourage parents to follow their child’s lead on what he is ready to learn. For example, if you are in the grocery store, ask him the number of each aisle. If he has no clue and is way more interested in playing with the packages in the cart, don’t push it. He will let you know when he is ready to begin recognizing numbers. If he does show an interest, give him more difficult tasks to see what he is capable of learning. If he recognizes numbers, begin asking him simple math problems, such as, “if I have one green apple and one red apple, how many apples do I have all together?” If he knows the answer is two, you can make the problems more difficult.

Another opportunity you have at back-to-school night is to find out how you can help out in the classroom. Can you provide a healthy snack? Maybe come in to read in the library, or talk about your job? Teachers love having parents help out in the classroom, and your child will be thrilled to have you also. If you are able to plan ahead, that might make taking time off of work or other responsibilities easier. It will also help the teacher with lesson plans.

In our class, we ask each parent to bring in a disposable camera so we can take advantage of photo ops as they occur. Once the camera is full, that parent has the pictures developed, and gives them to the parent who is in charge of putting the yearbook together. Ask your child’s teacher if you can contribute any supplies.

Finally, this is your chance to meet your child’s peers’ parents. When my son was two, he spoke constantly about two little girls in his class. My husband and I made a special effort to meet their parents, and we ended up becoming family friends who enjoyed watching each other’s children grow. It is wonderful to find people who are in the same situation as you, and can share your questions and concerns.











.

The Pink Party: A Celebration for Women who have Survived Breast Cancer

While this blog is intended for parenting advice for parents of preschoolers, it’s also my mission to help moms remember to take care of themselves. As a breast cancer survivor, I can’t stress enough the importance of mammograms. My cancer was detected through a routine mammogram and even after knowing exactly where the cancer was, neither my doctors nor I could feel the lump.

So, moms, PLEASE take care of yourselves for the sake of your children. Get your mammograms annually, do self exams, pay attention to your body. According to the most recent stats from the American Cancer Society (ACS), the chance of a woman having invasive breast cancer some time during her life is about 1 in 8. The chance of dying from breast cancer is about 1 in 35.

Ladies, that means that when you're in your tot soccer class and you take a look around the circle of 8 moms, one of you will likely get breast cancer. Please don't think it can't happen to you. Remember, my cancer was detected through a routine mammogram. I never felt a lump or any pain at all. Because my little lump was detected so early, my oncologist dubbed it an "excellent little cancer." As cancer goes, that was a nice diagnosis to have. It was excellent because it was found early was extremely susceptible to treatment.

I went through a few surgeries and a summer of daily radiation and have been in tip top shape ever since. There is little history of breast cancer in my family - it just happened and no one knows why.

So, to be the best parent you can be, you must take care of yourself. The ACS recommends that women without a family history of breast cancer get their first mammogram at 40. If you have a history, you need to talk to your doctor about the appropriate age to begin. A mammogram is a walk in the park compared to breast cancer treatment. Take a girlfriend, build in a lunch out at a real restaurant to celebrate your health.

Susan G. Koman is one of the wonderful groups of people who dedicate their lives to cancer research and education. There are events in every state, but one I want to point out is the Pink Party coming up in Atlanta. For more information, visit www.thepinkparty.com

Don’t forget, to be a great parent, you have to take care of yourself.

The Importance of Getting Messy: It Might Even be Good for your Sex Life

There are some children who just don’t want to get messy. They balk at activities that require hands-on involvement, including finger painting, kneading cookie dough, and pushing seeds into potting soil. Sometimes, they are just shy, and as the year progresses, they take steps to further their involvement. In other cases, their parents discourage them from getting dirty, and teach their children to be observers rather than participants.

Throughout the four years or so that I taught Mommy and Me classes, I worked with various teaching partners. While at least half the teachers in our school have teaching degrees, many are like me and come from other walks of life. One of my partners at that time had studied psychology.

During a particular ten week session, one year old Natalie and her mother always came to class dressed impeccably. They appeared to have just walked out of a magazine into our classroom. When it came time to create an art project or do anything that might be messy, Natalie’s mother held her daughter back. Despite our encouragement and coaxing, she preferred to watch. Though we sensed that she didn’t want Natalie, or herself, to get dirty, she claimed that her daughter simply wasn’t that interested in art projects. This child was only one year old.

I understand that parents have their own reasons for the things they do, but in this case we just didn’t buy her argument. It seemed to us that Natalie’s mother was not keen on getting within ten feet of paint, glue or anything messy in the least. Even baking was a problem because we encouraged the tots to stir the mixture in the bowl. Imagine a one year old holding a large plastic spoon, flinging with sheer abandon at a bowl full of flour. Quite a mess at times!

Week after week, we encouraged this mother to dress down for class so her child could partake in the fun. We offered her oversized smocks to keep Natalie clean, and even old doctor’s lab coats to keep herself clean. After about six weeks of this, my partner with the psychology background could no longer hold her tongue. She told me that she had learned that if kids aren’t allowed to touch messy things and get dirty, they’ll have bad sex lives when they grow up.

Really?! While this seemed plausible to me, I wondered if it was really true. Sandra R. Leiblum, PhD, is a leading authority in sex therapy and has published more than 130 clinical and research studies and has edited ten books. She says that there is no objective evidence one way or the other, only conjecture. Yet, she addresses the theory in her book Getting the Sex you Want...A Woman's Guide to Becoming Pleased, Proud and Passionate in Bed, written with Judith Sachs.

“We start our first chapter off comparing two little girls, one who enjoys the experience of being muddy and wet and the other who is afraid to ‘get dirty,’ and suggest that it may have an impact on how they approach the rest of their lives,” says Dr. Leiblum. “But, it’s a literary example, not based in data. Certainly, though one could argue that being overly concerned about neatness and mess would not contribute greatly to feeling uninhibited in bed!”

So, please not only allow, but encourage your young children to explore the world around them, even though it means getting dirty at times. Smocks, soap, and water, are all wonderful inventions!